He told me to share.

My artist friend is going through some hard times. This is him representing himself. I’m publishing this without his knowledge. Maybe he’ll find it and sue me.

Retumblr some love if you will. He’s an artist and a lost soul. He needs a job, any job. He does crazy metal artwork. Contact him, he’d love to hear something good. Will work. Maybe someone can give him a leg up. Or a job at your McDonalds, anything.

Hey. I’ll try to break this down as best as I can. I doubt that I’ll be successful at doing that. Yeah it’s been hard trying to get work. Everywhere is like a closed door. From diners to waiting tables to gas stations to fastfood etc… With no success. Most of these things like fastfood and retail and other things.

Are now online. It’s really depressing. No matter how hard I try. Nothing pans out. It’s to the point of being ludicrous. Like I said in my text. I had an interview and then I followed up, but I’ve been getting the run around and I’ve been through the job market long enough to know what that means. Right now, I have to call the movie theater in Franklin Square on Thursday. I have to see what’s going on with that. I did an application there and followed up and then was told that they hired some people already, but to call back on a Saturday and to just check on what’s going on. I did and then I was told to resubmit an application. This time it was an online one and now I have to call back on Thursday to take it from there. Bottom line, there’s no guarantee on anything. It’s stressful, because I’m trying my hardest and nothing is looking up. I have about a little over a 100 dollars and I haven’t done my taxes yet. I can get them done for free at the Oceanside Library. I’m pretty sure I won’t be getting back much. Since I really didn’t work long for Party City. The little bit of money that I have, I need it to stay out of jail.

*Note*My friend has legal issues because of a domestic disturbance with his estranged wife. He went to the hospital from it. He has charges on him.

As you know, I have the classes to go to and if I cant make them then I go to jail for 15 days. Which would mean my life will then really be a wreck. I’ll have a criminal record and the whole point of taking the plea will have been for nothing. The money and time that I spent so far, will be out the window. Right now as long as I take these classes. I’ll only have a violation. Basically the equivalent of someone having something wrong with their drivers license. Thing is, I’m going to run out of money. So I’m going to be in trouble and the luck gets even better. The band I did work for. We’ve kept in contact and they just contacted me. Letting me know that they’re getting together to discuss the new album and wanted to know if I would be ready to do more artwork. Sounds great huh? I said yes. I’ll be ready. Even hohugh the guy knows that I’ve been going through a rough patch. I didn’t tell him the most recent thing, because I really am going to need that money from this commission. It would really help to keep me out of jail for a bit. Hopefully until I can get some work. Problem is, I’m going to now have no where to live.

So I’m not going to be able to get the work done unless I can figure a way to do it. I didn’t want to tell him that. I’m going to have to move out soon and I’m trying to do things without having any real problems. My rent was due on the 15th. I haven’t paid it. Last months full rent was covered by F but she has her own things to pay for and can’t always help. I’m going to have to move out. Obviously I’m going to have no where to go, but as long as I can have my things somewhere. At least I know they’ll be safe. As far as Social Service goes. I was cut off, because the money I made while at Party City was too much. I had a fair hearing and I lost. Which I knew I was. That was a no brainer. 9 times out of 10. One never wins the fair hearings. I haven’t been able to apply again, because I just cant make it there. I’ll explain after I write this. Social Service really isn’t going to do much to help. Bottom line for those that have been through the system. We know Social Service doesn’t really do much. They make it hard to get on it and take their time, but are quick to get you kicked off it for one little mistake and most of the time it’s their fault. They really can’t help with a place and they wont give money until the waiting period has passed. Even if one needs the money now. A person still has to wait. The last time I was there. This older Hispanic woman was basically in tears. She was being evicted that day and she had all the papers and proof of it. Still, Social Services wasn’t doing anything for her. They were giving her a rough time. All I could think of was. This is scary, that the place one comes to for help when there shit down in life. Is so hard pressed to make it eve more difficult. It’s a shame really. It’s why there are still so many homeless people who never recover and get forgotten. I don’t want to be one of those people and I’d rather be dead, then have to live a life like that. That’s no life to live. Which is why I’ve thought about the whole suicide thing. Over ten years ago. I made an attempt on my life, because I was in a real bad way. All my problems are always really bad. they’re not simple. The attempt failed, like everything else in my life. When I look back, I would trade places with the me of then, because as bad as it was then, it’s not as bad as it is now. It’s way worse now. I honestly am not afraid to die.

Do I want to? I would like to know that I have some kind of chance, but truth is. I don’t have any and I’m not looking to be one of those who hopes on hope no matter how hard I try. I still get nowhere. For those that want to continue to struggle. Let them. I’ve done my fair share. I’m tired of crying, I’m tried of struggling. If I decide to take my own life. I know already, I have what it takes to do it, because I already did once before. As long as my stuff ends up with people that I know. I can go in peace with that. I don’t know yet, but what I do know is if I decide that’s the route I take. I will be giving my stuff over to some of you first, before I do anything. At least I can go to my whatever in peace and not worry about my things being tossed about. Of course it’s my choice. I don’t expect some around m to understand, because they’re not in my shoes or in the shoes of people like me. It’s hard. I’ve looked at myself and I’ve called myself a loser and a failure. Once someone does that. That’s when its over. I have no confidence anymore. I’m super low on myself . No matter how great my artwork is and how great the next piece comes out. I look at it, I get a bit happy and in that split moment. I say to myself. What’s the point? Its all for nothing. I’m disgusted with my artwork. I hate the fact that I’m talented and I cant get anywhere. Granted there are a lot of struggling artists and I know some of them, but even they’re making things happen and I just cant stand it.

It hurts. I hurt everyday and I just want to snuff my life so I don’t have to go through this anymore. Recently I had the phone in my hand and for a brief moment. I wanted to call my father. Then just as fast, it hit me. He’s dead and so is my mother. They’ve been dead for a long time. I just really believed for that moment, that he was alive and I just wanted to talk to him. To let him know that I need him and that I cant do this on my own anymore. I’m tired and I hurt. That I’m alone and I don’t have anyone. I cried my eyes out. Like I’ve been doing constantly. As for not being able to get to Social Service yet. I’ve got one pair of shoes that are over a year old and I basically have no heel support. So not only is my right foot in pain. As you know, I have that foot problem. I have now developed a pain in my left foot. Not the same spot as the right, but this pain, is in my ankle. I can barely walk at times. For a while I was walking from Elmont to social service, but I can’t do that anymore and I cant afford to take the bus, because I need whatever money I have, to take the bus back and forth to Hicksville for my classes. I f I could walk back and forth to Hicksville I would but I can’t do that. I was going to get a new pair of shoes, but I’m worried about having less money for the classes. As if it’s going to really make a difference anymore. Why haven’t I asked anyone for a lift. Lets face it. When it comes to me. No one really wants to bother with me. People without saying it make it real clear that they don’t want to deal with me or people like me. I haven’t heard from anyone for months. I’ll explain on that after I write this. Everyone always bails out on me. For example, B. Now I appreciate B helping me out with taking me on his routes and splitting the tips with me. He didn’t have to do it. He wasn’t obligated. So I thank him. Thing is, I haven’t heard form him for months now. He stopped calling or picking me up. I’ve called him and text various times and nothing. C thinks that probably B just wanted all the money for himself now and was tired of splitting it. Now if that’s the case. I can understand. Regardless of things. Ive always been an understanding person. If that’s the case. It won’t make my situation better, but I understand. I appreciate what he’s done for me, but what’s terrible is that he didn’t say anything to me. So what the real reason is. I’ll never know, but lets say if it was that. He could have just told me, but not one word. Last time I spoke with him. He had mentioned about going online and applying for Peapod. To do the shoppers position. Which is the people that bag the food for the truck drivers. I did and then he went and told his manager about it and then Brian contacted me. Letting me know that I had an interview later on that day. Which would have been later on from the time he called me. Only problem was. That when he called, I was a sleep. I haven’t been sleeping at all basically. So my body has been completely exhausted. I had to be up early that day and by the time I got home. I collapsed. When I awoke it was late at night and I see that I got a call and I have a message and its from Brian. Telling me that I have and interview for that day and he gave me the time. Now that’s just plain stupid on the part of the manager. If anything, one just calls up and leaves a message about setting an interview up. Not just calling a person telling them they have an interview. One doesn’t know if that person is available or not. So the next day I called B to explain what happened. I also text and nothing. Tried over and over again and nothing. I haven’t heard from him since. I did follow up on that Peapod thing, but I kept getting the run around. Everytime I called, the person I had to speak to either left or wasn’t there and finally I called to speak to a head manager. I let them know the situation. Bottomline, they weren’t hiring for Peapod. So there went that. As for B, I’m really disappointed in him, because he didn’t communicate with me like he should have. Instead just bails out. Not even a phone call to see if I’m okay. All this, after he had told me a story of something that happened to him recently about someone not being open with him. Go figure. Also, when he couldn’t understand why you couldn’t just contact him and had to ask me to ask him, about the thing you wanted. Why complain about any of that when he basically pulls the same crap.

Which reminds me. If you want to find out how I’m doing. Don’t wait til you bump into C at a bar to ask him how I’m doing. Just call or text me. I know you have your busy moments, but to not take a few moments to see how someone who is being shitted on by life constantly is doing. Is ridiculous. Which comes to this. No one has bothered to see how I’m doing. Everyone that knows what’s has happened to me hasn’t even bothered to take just some small moments to say hey, are you okay. Only person who has, is A. Which sucks, Not that she’s seeing how I’m doing, but that my own friends can’t take a teensy weensy little moment to drop a few lines or a few moments of a call. It sure puts me in a I have no friends mode. When A found out about me wanting to kill myself. She said don’t do that. What about your friends they’ll miss you. My response to that was, My friends don’t even bother to take the time to see how I’m doing. Not one. Your the only one that contacts me to see if I’m alive or dead. So I don’t think they’re going to miss me much. Bottomline. I know people are busy in life, but not that busy that they can’t take a small moment to see how a person is doing. If I died tomorrow, none of you would know and quite honestly. I don’t think any of you would care. After all. Who cares about seeing how a loser like me is doing right? C only knows whats going on, because I contact him and also, because he lets me know when I get mail. I haven’t even heard form G until rencently and that’s because I called him, because he recently got robbed. Isn’t that a bitch. No one gives me the time of day and yet I’m there for people. I’m always the one contacting people. I know he felt bad, when I told him the rest of wha’ts going on and how no one has even bothered to contact me at all. I know he felt bad and he and everyone else should. It’s a damn shame. I guess I’m no one’s friend. I’m just that talented dude who has a good heart, but who’s life is fucked up and who wants to deal with a loser like him. I guess I’m that person. I finally got to see Felecia. C told her what was happening to me and she did help with the rent and I filled her in on the rest of what’s going on. She said she’ll be there for me, but I know better than to really take anyone’s words when they say they’ll be there for me. Boittomline. People just bail out on me and you know I wish I didn’t have to be such a burden on everyone’s lives, because it seem that I am. I really wish I had family and resources to fall back on. So no one would have to deal with doing anything for me. Since I’m such a burden and no one has to say that. Peoples actions speak really clear. Bottomine is. I’m going to be homelss and most likely end up in jail and then my life will really be a wreck and once I get out. I’ll still be homeless with a record. If it’s hard for me to get work now, itl’l be even harder later. The messed up part about all this. I didn’t do anything wrong to deserve this. I keep seeing people who go forth and have chances and fuck there lives up and here I am and others like me. Who keep our noses clean as the old saying goes and stay out of trouble and try to do the right thing and yet we get messed up. Go figure. I’m not saying that I don’t appreciate what people have done for me, but it doesn’t mean that I’m going to let the same people shit on me. It doesn’t mean oh well we helped him out a bit so now we can forget him. Its sad and it hurts me a lot. I cry about it a lot. Its almost as if i didn’t know anyone. I’m not saying everyone has to do a whole bunch for me. I know the reality of life, but is it too much to ask for anyone to see how I’m doing? All those people who have no one and are homeless. No one knows them and they’re forgotten. Here I am. I know people and I’m already forgotten. I don’t want to live that life. I’m going to be 36 in April and I’m not doing shit anymore. I’ve fought hard as hard a s I can, but I know that without any decent help. I can’t do this all on my own. Not with the way the way things are in the world today. There are people with more credentials and qualifications than me who have been unemployed for months and years. For some of them, their saving grace has been they have family to fall back on. Let’s face it, for those of us who really know. The system isn’t helping.

The system is looking to get people off the system fast. It sucks too, that there are those who have abused it and by doing that. Have made it difficult for those of us who really need it. It’s tougher than ever to get the proper help and the attitude that those caseworkers have is ridiculous. Forbid they ever end up in a shit spot. They would want help. I have to be honest. There’s a part of me that has been wanting those around me to go through exactly what I’m going through. If not for a week, but at least a day. To know what it’s like to be me or people like me. Who feel like losers and feel that everything is completely hopeless and depressed constantly and that no one cares for them. I really wish things would get better, but I know better. I recently sold my first signed print. Sounds great huh? It is in a way, too bad it came through a total stranger on Facebook who digs my work and shared my link. From there, one of their friends saw it and wanted to buy a print. That print being an Edgar Allan Poe print. They paid for it. I sent it and they’re happy with it. What’s upsetting about this is. That the link was shared by a stranger and that stranger showcased my work. It then came to the eyes of someone else who ended up buying a print from me. Too bad that the people that I know and know me. Who apparently believe in me and my art. Haven’t taken any small time to share my work with anyone. I see how a lot of bullshit stuff gets shared and whatnot, but I guess taking a few seconds to share the work of someone who people supposedly believe in is too much. Not everyone I know is going to bother and I know this, but for the one’s who apparently believe in me. Well I guess that’s another load of horseshit. Not saying that you haven’t tried in the past, but let’s face it. You know I’m going nowhere. So why bother betting on a horse who isn’t going to win. I just wish people were a bit more honest, instead of pretending. I mean after all, I can take it. I always have.

I shared. 

Buy some of the man’s prints at https://www.facebook.com/grimmreapergraphics.


Wanted: Room for Rent, Queens, NY

I would like enough privacy to play my records on rainy weekend afternoons wearing tights and long sweaters while I clean, type standing up or rearrange my beauty products on the dresser and take kisses and giggles from my boyfriend in between, but still with an open door to the living room where anyone needing a break from their own rearranging can feel free to come in and chat about whatever I happen to be playing, what they’ve been doing all week or where they plan to holiday for Thanksgiving. 

Open to co-ed room mates as long as there is no angsty longing from the other side of the wall. Prefer to live with artists, but a majority of writers is not preferable as the reoccurring moodiness does not lend to a pleasent home when it overtakes the temperaments of all in the house; a majare needed. Dancers who eat, off-broadway players who run, painters, animal lovers; are a lovely balance to writers.

Speaking of animals, a dog friendly environment would be preferred, but not required as I do not have a dog. A BeanBean friendly environment is expected, because really, who would not like a BeanBean.

I come with my own PS3 & Xbox willing to leave at the common tv, decent tv if needed, and a tapestry of a wingless dragon in a field of either impressionist wheat or squiggly clouds; gold and black. It’s tasteful, I assure you. I also have a lamp with two bulbs and a Netflix subscription, accessible from the previously mentioned PS3.

Non-smoker, 420 accepting, sociable, steady income. Max: $700 w/o utilities.